SECTION: Sports; Pg. 47

LENGTH: 547 words

HEADLINE: ON A RAINY NIGHT, COMING UP DRY

BYLINE: BY FILIP BONDY

BODY:


THERE IS NO END to the indignities that Bleacher Creatures must endure when we arrive, with open hearts and pure thoughts, to cheer on our favorite team in the Bronx.

We are called names by snooty New York Times sports columnists. We are patted down by ushers as we walk through the turnstiles, like we are common criminals. Our supportive chants are censored by security guards, in direct violation of the First Amendment. It is as if we are Rushdie trying to publish "Satanic Verses" in Iran. And now, we are not trusted with life's great elixir, Budweiser. Just because a few college kids, non-sanctioned Creatures, can't hold their beer in the back of the stands, just because of a few brawls and a couple of arrests during the Baltimore series, Sections 37 and 39 have been designated alcohol-free.

Beers don't throw batteries. People throw batteries.

Anyway, matters were so desperate at the soggy Stadium last night that a guy in a Knoblauch jersey (looks like Chuck, thinks he's Chuck, even limps like Chuck) had to drink his beer with a straw out of a soda cup. And Mike Donahue brought thin mints and peanut butter patties to celebrate "Milk and Cookies Night."

"I met some Girl Scouts coming over here," Donahue said. "They're easy targets. One swing and they go down."

Funny, yes. But sad at the same time. It's not as if we all want to drink beer. It's just that we demand the right to drink beer. The Moral Majority can go sit in the box seats.

"They're treating us like animals," Junior said. "We come to watch the Yankees, the best team in baseball, not to get drunk."

Besides, as Tom Brown says, this new rule only encourages us to stumble over to Section 41 and ask the guy sitting there to move over so we can sit between him and his beautiful girlfriend while we guzzle a few brews.

Let it be written right here: We are not ceding Section 39 to anybody, despite the rules. It is our great, unpolished home. We continue to fill the benches. Last night, the wide-eyed, touring kids from Lafayette High School in Williamsburg, Va., were diverted and forced to sit in Section 41, an alcohol section, right below the Continental Airlines billboard.

Where is the message in all of that? "Work hard. Fly right. Consumption of beer permitted here."

It is becoming all too clear lately that the Yankees are taking us for granted. Rudy, the security guard who thinks he's Giuliani, tells Tina Lewis all the time, "Do you think Steinbrenner cares about you?"

Well, quite frankly, the Creatures are beginning to wonder about that. About a lot of things. Where is the gratitude? Where is the justice? Did the Royals designate their field-level seats non-alcohol after some Kansas City fan threw a beer at David Cone?

In the face of such insults and adversity, we continue with our season's plans. Today is the anniversary of the death of Ali Ramirez, the most honored of all Creatures. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Donahue and Larry Palumbo have decided that only mother jokes and heckles will be permitted.

We are very much into themes this season.

"They didn't kill our spirit," Donald Simpson said.

It's just a shame they keep trying.

Pass the thin mint, please. Section 39 is a natural high.

NOTES: BLEACHER CREATURE



GRAPHIC: SHANNON STAPLETON FIELD MARSHAL: Scott Brosius, who had two hits and drove in a run, makes the play at third.

LOAD-DATE: May 09, 1999