SECTION: Sports; Pg. 65

LENGTH: 589 words

HEADLINE: A SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS FOR VISITORS

BYLINE: BY FILIP BONDY

BODY:


THE FRANCHISE couldn't come up with its own nickname, so somebody in the Clone Star State tried to cash in on Rod Gilbert and Brad Park. But it goes beyond the Rangers. It is the whole state of Texas that has started to grate on the Creatures.

How many years must this go on? Why don't they just go and lose to somebody else? "Because they have the biggest everything in Texas," said Tom Brown, a Section 39 Creature exiled last night to the left-field bleachers. "The biggest morons. The biggest jerks. It's a place where they draw their Colt .45's and start shooting, instead of carrying on intelligent conversation like we have here."

Brown was wearing his sheriff's star last night, purchased by a friend at the Alamo, and was auditioning women in the bleachers for the role of deputy. The main qualification was that the candidate be willing to wear very high, shiny boots with spurs on them. Lisa Fox said she'd do it, and Tom deputized her on the spot.

The two of them were going to arrest as many Texas fans as possible.

There have been a lot of new women in the bleachers this year. "Groupies," Tom calls them, because he insists they can't get enough of the well-established, high-status Creatures. Who could?

Maybe on account of this, new romances have sprouted, in and around the stadium. Donald Simpson sounds serious about his new girlfriend. The Creatures are growing up, together and apart, spreading our precious genetic material, extending the Yankee family.

We will be mocking Texas for generations to come, whether or not George W. Bush ruins the Presidency.

Aside from San Antonio and Austin, there is no reason for the state. It is a plague on sports writers, Creatures, and the political spectrum.

"Texas should still be part of Mexico," said Paul Kaplan, who has lost 60 pounds this season simply by giving up astounding amounts of alcohol.

Unfortunately, Paul has discovered that such a disciplined diet includes several drawbacks. His traditional roll between the bleacher benches, during the sixth inning, now hurts more with less padding. Also, nine innings against Texas seem to take a lot longer to play, an eternity, without the anesthetic six pack.

"We complain about non-alcoholic sections," Tom O'Neil said. "I've been to Texas. They have entire non-alcoholic counties."

Such a terrible thought would have made Rob Andre shudder, if he hadn't been throwing down shots at a bar across River Ave., in preparation for more important playoff games down the road.

Look. We all know about the perils of a best-of-five series, and how the Rangers have some semi-dangerous hitters. But they could be ahead, 2 games to 0, with a four-run lead in Game 3, and we still couldn't take them seriously. Well, maybe Tina Lewis would. She's worried. The rest of us just laugh at them.

I mean, these are the Rangers. From Arlington. From Texas. They overrun fly balls in left field. And they have the flu.

MAYBE BECAUSE of that, we were a little too complacent last night in the bleachers. Milton Ousland lacked his usual zeal as he banged his new cowbell, purchased last month at Manny's Music. After two memorable championships in the Bronx, Ousland said he needed a new level of stimulation, something akin to electric shock therapy. Ousland wants the Mets, in the World Series.

"I've seen everything else," Ousland said. "There's only that left. I want them here. The Mets."

The Mets are in Arizona right now. Don't get the Creatures started on the sad state of Arizona.



GRAPHIC: JOHN ROCA DAILY NEWS TEXAS SWING Rangers third baseman Todd Zeile strikes out with the bases loaded as Orlando Hernandez wriggles out of first-inning trouble.

LOAD-DATE: October 06, 1999