SECTION: Sports; Pg. 102

LENGTH: 613 words

HEADLINE: BLEACHERS PERFECT SPOT FOR MRS.

BYLINE: BY FILIP BONDY

BODY:


I WAS thinking that once the Mets are eliminated this week and things calm down around here, I might bring Mrs. Creature into the Yankee Stadium bleachers. We have been living in two different worlds for too long. It is time we shared my beloved work environment and my rowdy buddies.

So yesterday, in preparation for such a monumental event, I gave her a second-grade level quiz, asking such toughies as, "Which team does Scott Brosius play for?" "The Mets?" she guessed.

This, I have to say, was fairly discouraging, and made me think I probably should have waited another 20 years to pick my bride directly out of Section 39. When we were dating, Mrs. Creature had no problems going to World Series games with me, pretending to enjoy Reggie Jackson's three homers. She knew Graig Nettles played third base for the Yankees back then.

"Why would I want to go out to the bleachers anyway, and listen to all those homophobic and misogynist things they scream?" she asked.

Mrs. Creature is a professor at Columbia, and uses very big words. Nonetheless, I think this visit can be arranged. I need a theme for the ALCS, which is fated to become yet another rerun against Cleveland. I require a new character. The wife would get me through another edition. That's all I ask these days, because I am taking things one game at a time, right through October.

"You may want to rethink that wife thing," said Mike Donahue, a regular. "Why don't you just bring the kids, too, and screw up the whole nuclear family?"

It turns out the fans have been pretty rowdy in Section 39 in the playoffs, maybe because vendors finally have asserted their capitalistic rights and are serving 32-ounce beers in the non-alcohol section. Mrs. Creature is sure to love this full-bodied ambience.

For the sake of full disclosure, I must report I haven't been spending much time in the bleachers yet. That is because our staff is spread very thin, covering both the Yankees' championship run and the Mets' cameo appearance in the postseason. I must write a so-called "regular" column indistinguishable from the 2,000 other baseball articles in the New York dailies in addition to the treasured, Pulitzer Prize-worthy (if only it were nominated) Bleacher Creature.

I run in from the bleachers, dash off this column during the early innings of the game, and then start writing again immediately about a Yankee hero of the day. Sometimes, I may be forced to keep in touch with the Creatures during the late innings by way of Larry Palumbo's cell phone.

Larry says he has never given out his number before to anybody but the bleachers' most glamorous women, so I consider this a great honor.

None of my fellow creatures feels sorry for my logistical difficulties. In fact, I find myself taunted for my lack of commitment. That's fair, I guess, just as long as nobody bothers me anymore about my sordid history of Met columns.

Met fans can be anywhere, at anytime. That is the scary part. One of them was probably the conductor on the No. 4 train last night when Serge Katsev rode to the game from Hunter High School. The guy didn't announce the stop as Yankee Stadium, and then said, "Go Rangers," over the scratchy speaker system.

Whatever happened to the MTA's drug-testing program?

THE CREATURES ARE GETTING a special kick out of the notion that Met fans have been forced to stay up very late, only to get nowhere fast. They are losing sleep, along with the playoff games. The fans are sleepwalking through life, right in lockstep with the Met players.

Brosius, by the way, is not one of those Met players. Mrs. Creature should know that, if she is coming to the ALCS.



GRAPHIC: HOWARD SIMMONS DAILY NEWS FIRST FAN Donna Hanover Giuliani takes in the sights and the sounds of Game 2 last night with her son Andrew (l.).

LOAD-DATE: October 08, 1999