SECTION: SPORTS; Pg. 68 BLEACHER CREATURE

LENGTH: 585 words

HEADLINE: DIAMONDBACKS IN THE ROUGH CHANTS WILL TURN UP HEAT

BYLINE: BY FILIP BONDY

BODY:
Our butts were on the benches in Section 39 last night, firmly positioned to finish off the lame-duck Mariners. But even before Seattle was taunted to death, our minds were fast-forwarding to the Diamondbacks.

That's the type of fans we are, always looking ahead to the next, well-refined heckle. And that's precisely the sort of foresight that makes us so sharp, and keeps the Yankees champions. "Fresh meat," Joe from Wayne called the D-Backs.

Yes, a brand new pork chop. On Saturday, Arizona officially will become the 10th different team to challenge us in the postseason since our run began in 1996. That list includes some real dogs, one-shot wonders like the Red Sox, Orioles, Padres and Mets.

Quite frankly, we are a bit uncomfortable about the Diamondbacks. No, we are not worried about Randy Johnson or Curt Schilling. We know we'll beat them. It's just that drubbing Arizona doesn't have the same cache as, say, whipping the Braves or Dodgers. The Creatures may not receive much credit for this particular sweep.

"I thought it was bad when we played the Padres," Tom Brown said. "But this is going to be much worse."

The D-Backs hardly seem worthy of World Series status. For one thing, they're 4 years old, mere toddlers. They also happen to play their home games in The Bob, which sounds and looks a lot like a hair salon.

"They've got a pool and air conditioning," Anthony Griek said. "The fans are out there playing Marco Polo in the water. How tough can they be?"

This made us start thinking, wistfully, about how we might design a new Yankee Stadium in the Bronx, if given half a chance.

Steve Krauss said he wanted pool tables for the bleachers. Milton (Cowbell Man) Ousland suggested PlayStations all around, or a roller-coaster. Sheriff Tom wanted a trampoline, for reasons that were not clear.

Someone said a penalty box should be made available for the Creatures, who could then be sentenced to merely one or two innings of punishment for misbehaving, instead of the usual game misconduct we receive.

"I just want my beer back," Griek said.

It annoyed the Creatures to no end that Paul McCartney was on television the other night, sipping from a beer bottle in his seat at the Stadium. Here was some dopey foreigner, allowed to drink alcohol to his heart's content. And there we were, still banned from booze.

We tried to figure out how this inequity was possible, and finally Krauss thought he might understand the concept.

"Paul McCartney's not a threat to society," Krauss said. "We are."

I just want the readers to know this hasn't been an easy week for the Filip Creature. On Saturday, searching for my fellow bleacherites, I fell down a flight of stairs at the secret bodega and injured my pinkie - the very finger that types the letter, "P," as in, "Pinstripes," in so many of these beloved columns.

On Sunday, my car was towed from what used to be a friendly NYP zone along River Ave., because of yet another new regulation (thanks, by the way, to the cops who eventually located the '91 Creature-mobile a few blocks away).

The rules keep changing, everywhere except in Yankee Stadium and Section 39.

At the Stadium, Bernie waves to us during roll call and then hits one out. In the bleachers, we are secure in the knowledge that our mischief will forever triumph over earnestness.

The World Series is now ours to capture, chant by chant, as long as the Creatures remain vigilant. Always a step ahead. Never a game behind.

E-mail: fjbondy@netscape.net

GRAPHIC: LINDA CATAFFO DAILY NEWS SWING OF THINGS Derek Jeter lofts sacrifice fly in third inning to drive in Yankees' first run in last night's pennant-clincher.

LOAD-DATE: October 23, 2001