Copyright 2004 Daily News, L.P.
Daily News (New York)
April 9, 2004 Friday
SPORTS FINAL EDITION
SECTION: SPORTS; BLEACHER CREATURE; Pg. 98

LENGTH: 585 words

HEADLINE: WAITING FOR MY SQUID PRO QUO

BYLINE: BY FILIP BONDY

BODY:


I suppose you expect me to write how blissful it was out in Section 39 yesterday. How the weather was fine until the rain came, how Blue Lou's pregame barbecue on the parking garage roof was a splendid spread, how A-Rod and Gary Sheffield respectfully tipped their caps to us during roll call and how the Yankees won their home opener.

Well, yes, all those things happened and were very nice. But since we are the Bleacher Creatures, we still found much to feud and complain about. For one thing, the Filip Creature is still immersed in very delicate negotiations with that dastardly splinter group, The Squid. The Squid believes I have defamed its membership on several occasions. Its leaders, Blue Lou and Little Mike, are demanding nothing less than framed apologies. A feeble attempt to buy off Blue Lou yesterday, by paying for his public drinking violation, failed miserably.

"You can't hustle a hustler," Lou said.

So there was a lot of edginess, and then Nature Boy in Section 37 called all of us in Section 39 "riffraff." Little stuff like that will drive you crazy, like the way the Yankees seem to change everything around the stadium each April, except for the alcohol ban in the bleachers.

The Creatures hate when you rearrange our living room, even if it's just replacing the Kodak sign on the left field wall with a Canon sign, or adding a strikeout counter and some newfangled, psychedelic auxiliary scoreboards along the left- and right-field mezzanines.

"The new organist is terrible," grumped Jon Zeron. "They should just play old tapes of Eddie Layton."

As usual, Little Mike was the grumpiest. He is feuding with practically everybody, including Tina Lewis, who was feeling under the weather, missed the opener and is hoping to be back by Sunday. And when most of the Creatures cheered Don Mattingly during introductions, Little Mike stood with thumbs down and booed.

"I have a problem with you, because you write a lot of nonsense," Little Mike told me, the Creature Chronicler. I guess you can't please everyone.

It was still a grand day, a time to catch up with old friends like Donald Simpson, MTA Joe, Statman, Mike Donahue, Bald Vinny, Knoblauch and Milton the Cowbell Man. Kelly talked soccer. Nymphie discussed her senior thesis at Rutgers, which is about swelling breasts. Bald Ray brought a Yankee flag from his nephew, Michael, signed by the 82nd Airborne in Iraq. Mr. Make-It-Happen lost 50 pounds over the winter, just to impress his new girlfriend (he couldn't spell her name for me, so I don't know why he bothered with the weight).

Bald Vinny has a new stock of bleacher T-shirts to sell. One line has a new logo: "Embrace the Hate." Donald, the millionaire Bleacher Creature, bought several of us wonderful sweatshirts inscribed with our names. He also got himself a house in Brewster and a special portable seat, for his bad back.

Milton still banged his old, bent cowbell ("I have to spend my money on other things," he whined), and raised many eyebrows when he told Knoblauch, "If I were a girl, I'd go for you." It wasn't just that Milton appeared to be flirting with Knoblauch. He also correctly used the subjunctive tense, maybe the first time ever for a Creature.

Then the Yankees won, 3-1, as we knew they would, as they always do. Milton says not to worry about the rotation, that the Yanks will acquire Randy Johnson by the All-Star break.

A perfect day? Not quite. The Squid tells me I am on probation, and that I don't want to violate its terms.

E-mail: filipbondy@netscape.net

GRAPHIC: HOWARD SIMMONS DAILY NEWS DEJA VIEW ALL OVER AGAIN As usual, Stadium is a full house for Bombers' home opener. And as usual, Yanks find way to win.

LOAD-DATE: April 9, 2004