Copyright 2004 Daily News, L.P.

Daily News (New York)
October 6, 2004 Wednesday
SPORTS FINAL EDITION
SECTION: SPORTS; BLEACHER CREATURE; Pg. 98

LENGTH: 617 words

HEADLINE: CREATURES LACK COMFORT

BYLINE: BY FILIP BONDY

BODY:


It's tough being a long-suffering Yankee fan in Section 39, forced to endure three straight seasons without a championship, and now another bad start to October. We haven't experienced a drought of such epic proportions since 1995, a primordial time before Paul Kaplan ever rolled down an aisle or legendary Sheriff Tom was ever thrown out of a game.

Cheering for the Yankees is supposed to be like rooting for U.S. Steel or Microsoft, we keep hearing. But the Yanks have only captured 26 championships in the last 84 seasons since Babe Ruth's arrival. That means that 69% of the time, autumn ends unhappily.

"Why can't the rest of the league just divvy up the other portion and be happy with it?" G.B. Steve Krauss wondered.

Does anybody feel sorry for the Creatures, when Johan Santana gets lucky and the ball keeps bouncing into double plays? No. Instead, the outside world roots for the upstart Minnesota Twins, reveling in their 2-0 victory, hoping to humiliate all that is sacred and pinstriped.

"Yankee fans are allowed to be arrogant, because if one thing goes wrong, every Met fan I know calls me up," Midget Mike Milianta said, contemplating the burden that is a baseball monopoly.

"Twenty-five times they're wrong, and then the one time they're right they come out of the woodwork laughing in your face," Mike Donahue said.

Whenever some Met fan gets on Tina Lewis about jumping on the Yankee bandwagon, she asks them where they were in the '80s, when it was just her, Ali Ramirez, some close friends and the pigeons out there in the right-field bleachers. That shuts them up. And if it doesn't, she slaps them in the face.

Yes, being a Yankee fan is no picnic. Last night, it was a barbecue - Blue Lou's barbecue. And after a six-barbecue suspension for disseminating "bad information," I was finally permitted by Blue Lou and his Squid splinter group to attend the pre-playoff feast on the roof of the parking lot.

Before long, Blue Lou was warned by a policewoman to cease his grilling, or face a citation. You had to wonder: They want to build a football stadium in this city?

"This is why it's tough to be a Yankee fan," Blue Lou moaned. "It costs $20 to park, you can't drink legally, you can't even cook."

The burdens never end. The latest annoyance was Santana, a pitcher who changes speeds on his pitches the way most of us change socks. Krauss figured the Yanks were playing with house money last night. If they'd beaten Santana, the series was over. Since they lost, this ALDS will just go like last season's, with three straight Yankee victories after a freakish defeat.

Either way, everybody was in the bleachers last night with their A Game, even Milton Ousland, the Cowbell Man. Ousland had taken considerable heat recently for skipping two key Red Sox games, one to bang his bell on national TV during the NFL draft and another to participate in a video game contest with a $50,000 grand prize.

Needless to say, Milton didn't win the $50,000.

But there he was last night, unrepentant, banging his dented cowbell.

"Imagine how bad it would look if you came to more than four games," Bad Mouth Larry scolded him.

The Creatures paid dearly for this opportunity to cheer our heroes. Tickets were a reasonable $12, but a nonrefundable $6 handling charge was attached to each of them. Altogether, a single postseason strip of tickets costs $550. Bald Vinny bought one for himself, one for his girlfriend Rose. That's $1100, which is why he will be selling T-shirts for many years to come outside Stan's on River Ave.

Championship banner No. 27 is costing a lot of people a lot of money, not only George Steinbrenner. We're losing patience out here.

Surely, you feel our pain.

filipbondy@netscape.net

LOAD-DATE: October 6, 2004